Why Do We Hold On to Resentments in Relationships? (And How to Let Them Go Before They Eat You Alive)

Let’s be honest—resentment has a sneaky way of showing up in even the best relationships. You know how it goes: your partner does (or doesn’t do) something, and instead of addressing it right away, you stash it away for later. Maybe it’s that time they “forgot” your anniversary, or when they left you to handle all the housework yet again. The little things pile up, and suddenly, you’re carrying around this ball of resentment that just won’t go away. Fun, right?

The thing about resentment is that it feels like this totally justified emotion—you’re hurt, and of course you should be upset! But here’s the kicker: resentment doesn’t just sit quietly in the corner. It builds. It festers. And eventually, it spills over into every interaction you have with your partner. Sound familiar?

So, Why Do We Hold On to Resentments Anyway?

Well, for starters, resentment feels a lot like holding onto a grudge—like you’ve got some kind of moral high ground. “I’m mad because you hurt me, and I’m not letting that go until you really understand how much it hurt.” The problem is, your partner may not even realize the full extent of what you’re holding onto. And meanwhile, that grudge is quietly eroding your relationship from the inside out.

Sometimes, we hold onto resentments because we don’t feel heard or validated. If you’ve tried to bring up the same issue over and over, and your partner either brushes it off or doesn’t seem to get it, it’s easy to feel like holding onto that anger is your only option. But here’s the deal: holding onto resentment doesn’t actually give you the closure or validation you’re craving. It just keeps you stuck in a cycle of frustration and disconnection.

The Impact of Resentment on Your Relationship

When you hold onto resentment, it’s like putting a wedge between you and your partner. Suddenly, every little thing they do annoys you. Did they forget to take out the trash? Cue the eye roll. Didn’t they promise to help more around the house? Another tally on the resentment scorecard. And instead of addressing the real issue, you find yourself picking fights about the tiniest things—because, let’s face it, resentment loves to masquerade as something else.

Over time, resentment can lead to a breakdown in communication, intimacy, and trust. It’s like the elephant in the room that no one is talking about, but everyone feels. And if it goes unchecked for too long, it can make you question whether the relationship is even worth saving. (Hint: it is, but the resentment’s gotta go.)

So… How Do You Let Go of Resentment?

I know, I know—easier said than done. Letting go of resentment doesn’t mean just sweeping your feelings under the rug or pretending like everything’s fine when it’s clearly not. It means addressing the underlying hurt, having some honest conversations, and making a conscious effort to move forward without holding onto that grudge like it’s a security blanket.

Here’s the key: letting go of resentment isn’t about letting your partner off the hook for whatever hurt you. It’s about freeing yourself from the emotional weight that’s been dragging you (and your relationship) down. It’s about saying, “Hey, this hurt, but I’m choosing to work through it with you rather than letting it poison everything between us.”

The Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding

If resentment has been hanging around your relationship for a while, it’s time to have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. You know the one—the conversation where you actually talk about what’s been bothering you, instead of keeping it locked up inside. And no, this doesn’t mean unloading a year’s worth of frustrations all at once (please don’t do that). Start small. Be honest. Focus on how you’ve been feeling, not just what your partner did wrong.

And here’s a pro tip: instead of framing it as “You always do this” or “You never do that,” try using “I” statements. “I feel hurt when…” goes a lot further than “You make me mad because…” (trust me on this one).

Moving Forward Without the Baggage

Letting go of resentment is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight, and it’s definitely not a one-and-done deal. It requires both of you to be open, vulnerable, and committed to working through the tough stuff together. It means checking in with each other regularly, making an effort to really listen, and not letting things build up until they explode.

At the end of the day, resentment is a heavy burden to carry. It keeps you stuck in the past, rehashing old wounds instead of moving forward. But here’s the good news: you can put it down. You can address the hurt, work through it, and come out the other side with a relationship that’s stronger and more connected than ever.

So, are you ready to stop letting resentment run the show? Because your relationship deserves better. And so do you.