Substance Abuse and Relationships: How Addiction Affects More Than Just the Individual
When it comes to substance abuse, it doesn’t just affect the person struggling with addiction—it impacts everyone around them, especially those closest to them. Partners, family members, and friends can feel like they’re caught in the middle of a storm, dealing with the ripple effects of addiction. What starts as a personal battle quickly turns into a relationship crisis, where trust, communication, and emotional intimacy start to crumble.
Understanding how substance abuse affects relationships is key to breaking the cycle and creating healthier dynamics. Let’s take a look at how addiction strains relationships and, more importantly, how therapy can help rebuild trust, communication, and connection. Because yes, there is hope!
How Substance Abuse Destroys Trust
Trust is the glue of any healthy relationship, and addiction? It’s like a wrecking ball swinging straight at that glue. When someone is dealing with substance abuse, they may lie, hide their use, or break promises—not because they want to hurt anyone, but to avoid conflict or judgment. Over time, this sneaky behavior creates deep cracks in the relationship, leaving the non-using partner feeling like, Can I trust anything they say anymore?
And let’s be real, addiction loves a good cycle. The person might promise to quit, only to relapse again, and again, and again. That cycle of hope, disappointment, and frustration? Emotionally draining doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Some telltale signs of trust issues in relationships impacted by substance abuse include:
• Lies and half-truths: Hiding substance use or bending the truth to avoid confrontation.
• Broken promises: Saying, “This is the last time” or “I’ll get help,” but not following through, leaving the partner feeling repeatedly let down.
• Financial deceit: Money disappearing for substances instead of bills or savings. This can feel like a huge betrayal, especially when it’s kept secret.
Denial, Defensiveness, and Projection: The Triple Threat
If you’ve ever tried to talk to someone about their addiction, you probably know that defensiveness comes with the territory. Many people struggling with substance abuse go into denial about the severity of the problem, insisting they can stop anytime or that it’s not as bad as it looks.
And here’s where projection sneaks in. Instead of owning up to their behavior, they might flip the script and point out all of your flaws. Suddenly, what started as a conversation about their substance use turns into a list of all the ways you’re to blame for the relationship’s problems. This is a classic defense mechanism, used to avoid facing the reality of their own addiction.
Common signs of defensiveness, denial, and projection include:
• Minimizing the problem: “It’s not that bad. I can stop anytime I want.”
• Shifting blame: “You’re always nagging me. Maybe if you didn’t stress me out, I wouldn’t drink as much.”
• Pointing out your faults: “You’re not perfect either. What about all the times you’ve messed up?”
This toxic cycle of denial and projection can leave the non-using partner feeling frustrated, guilty, and unsure how to break through the defensive walls.
Communication? What Communication?
Addiction loves to stir up drama, and it often does so by wrecking communication. When one partner is struggling with substance abuse, honest conversations can quickly turn into full-blown arguments, filled with blame and defensiveness. Before you know it, every conversation revolves around the addiction, leaving little room for anything else.
Here’s how communication breakdowns show up:
• Constant conflict: Every conversation feels like a fight, with both partners talking, but no one really listening.
• Emotional withdrawal: The person with the addiction may pull away emotionally, leaving their partner feeling like they’re talking to a brick wall. And the partner? They may also shut down to protect themselves from more hurt.
• Avoidance: Some couples just stop talking about it altogether. It’s like the elephant in the room that no one wants to mention, but the silence only builds resentment.
The Emotional Distance Dilemma
Addiction can create a giant chasm of emotional distance in relationships. The person struggling with substance abuse might feel guilty, ashamed, or unworthy of love, so they push their partner away. Meanwhile, the non-using partner is left trying to keep the relationship from sinking—and that can feel pretty lonely.
Signs of emotional distance include:
• No more affection: Physical and emotional intimacy can fade when addiction takes center stage. You’re too busy surviving to connect.
• Resentment: The partner not using substances may start feeling like they’re the only one holding things together, and over time, resentment creeps in.
• Fear and anxiety: It’s like walking on eggshells, constantly wondering when the next argument, relapse, or broken promise will come.
Co-Dependency and Enabling: The Not-So-Dream Team
Substance abuse often brings out co-dependent behaviors. In a co-dependent relationship, one partner feels like it’s their job to save the other. They might take on more responsibility, make excuses for their partner, or avoid setting boundaries, thinking that’s the only way to keep the relationship afloat. But in reality, they’re enabling the addiction.
Examples of co-dependency and enabling include:
• Making excuses: Covering for the person struggling with addiction, whether it’s to friends, family, or work.
• Taking on extra responsibilities: The non-using partner might start doing everything, from paying bills to running the household, all in the name of keeping the peace.
• Fear of abandonment: Co-dependency is often driven by the fear that without their help, the person they love will spiral further or leave them.
When Kids Are Involved
Substance abuse doesn’t just impact the couple—it impacts the entire family, especially children. Kids living in a home affected by addiction often deal with confusion, fear, and emotional turmoil. They might even feel responsible for the problems at home, which can lead to long-term emotional scars.
For children, this might look like:
• Anxiety or behavioral issues: The instability caused by addiction can trigger anxiety, depression, or acting out.
• Taking on adult roles: Some kids step up to fill the void, taking on responsibilities way beyond their years.
• Trust issues: Growing up in an environment filled with broken promises and instability can make it hard for kids to trust others or form healthy relationships later in life.
Rebuilding Trust, Communication, and Connection
The good news? With the right support, couples and families affected by substance abuse can heal and rebuild their relationships. Here’s how therapy can help:
1. Get to the Root of the Addiction
Addiction doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Therapy helps uncover the emotional, psychological, or trauma-related issues that drive substance use, giving individuals the tools they need for long-term recovery.
2. Improve Communication
Couples therapy creates a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and frustrations. Learning to communicate openly without everything turning into a fight is a game-changer for rebuilding trust.
3. Set Boundaries and Expectations
Therapy helps couples establish healthy boundaries and realistic expectations around addiction and recovery. This might include stopping enabling behaviors or creating a plan for managing the ups and downs of recovery.
4. Break the Co-Dependency Cycle
Therapy empowers both partners to take responsibility for their own well-being, instead of trying to “save” each other. Learning to say no and set boundaries is crucial for healing.
5. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy
Recovery isn’t just about sobriety—it’s about reconnecting emotionally. Therapy can help couples rebuild trust, restore emotional intimacy, and rekindle the connection that addiction damaged.
6. Support the Entire Family
Family therapy provides a safe space for everyone, including kids, to process their feelings and work toward a healthier dynamic. It’s all about creating stability and emotional support for the entire family.
Breaking the Cycle
Substance abuse may feel like it’s taken over your relationship, but it doesn’t have to be the end. With the right support, couples and families can break the cycle of pain and rebuild trust, communication, and emotional intimacy. Recovery is possible—for the individual and the relationship.
Looking for Support?
If substance abuse is affecting your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone. At Sonoran Sky Family Therapy, we’re here to help couples and families heal. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation and take the first step toward rebuilding your relationship.