How do I stop people pleasing in my relationship?

If you’re the kind of person who says “yes” when you really mean “no,” or apologizes for things that aren’t your fault just to keep the peace, congratulations—you might be a people pleaser! And while being kind and considerate in relationships is great, constantly putting your own needs on the back burner to keep your partner happy? Not so much.

People-pleasing might feel like the easiest way to avoid conflict or keep things smooth, but over time, it’s a recipe for resentment and burnout. So, how do you stop this cycle and start standing up for yourself in your relationship without feeling guilty? Let’s dig into why people-pleasing happens and how you can hit the brakes.

1. You’re Not Responsible for Everyone’s Happiness (Even Your Partner’s)

It’s super tempting to think that keeping your partner happy 24/7 is your full-time job. But here’s a newsflash: You’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness. That’s a weight you simply don’t have to carry. While it’s important to care for and support your partner, sacrificing your own needs and desires isn’t sustainable or healthy for either of you.

Remember, relationships are about both people’s happiness and fulfillment. Your needs matter just as much, and learning to voice them is key.

2. You Can Say “No” Without Feeling Guilty (Promise)

I know, I know—saying “no” might feel like you’re rocking the boat, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But here’s the thing: “No” is a complete sentence, and you don’t need to apologize for it! (Mind blown, right?)

Start small if it feels overwhelming. Instead of automatically agreeing to something you don’t want to do, practice saying, “I’ll think about it,” or “That doesn’t work for me.” You’ll be surprised how liberating it feels to prioritize your own needs without feeling like you’ve let anyone down.

3. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries

People-pleasers often struggle with boundaries because they don’t want to seem selfish or cause conflict. But without clear boundaries, you’re just setting yourself up to be stretched too thin. It’s like trying to pour from an empty cup—eventually, you’ll have nothing left to give.

Boundaries don’t make you a bad partner; they make you a healthy one. Start by setting small, manageable limits, like carving out “me time” or letting your partner know when something doesn’t sit right with you. Boundaries build respect, and in the end, that’s better for both of you.

4. Embrace the Discomfort (It Gets Easier, I Promise)

Here’s the tricky part—people-pleasing is a habit, and breaking it is going to feel uncomfortable at first. You might worry that saying “no” or setting a boundary will upset your partner, and in some cases, they may not love the shift right away. But learning to embrace that discomfort is the first step toward real growth in your relationship.

The more you practice advocating for yourself, the easier it gets. And eventually, you’ll find that your partner probably respects you even more for being honest about your needs. After all, a relationship is healthiest when both partners feel seen and heard.

5. Remember, You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

If people-pleasing is deeply ingrained, it can be tough to break free on your own. Therapy can help you explore why you developed these habits in the first place and how to rewrite those patterns in your relationship. It’s about reclaiming your voice and realizing that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

Ready to stop people-pleasing and start prioritizing yourself in your relationship?

I can help you find the balance between being kind and being true to yourself. Contact me today for a free consultation or to schedule a session.