Disorganized Attachment in Relationships: When “Come Close” and “Stay Away” Happen at the Same Time

Do you ever feel like you crave connection but, at the same time, feel terrified of it? One minute, you want to be close, but the next, you’re pushing your partner away. If this sounds familiar, you might have a disorganized attachment style—also known as a bit of a rollercoaster ride in relationships.

What is Disorganized Attachment?

Disorganized attachment usually develops in childhood when caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear. Maybe there was inconsistency or even trauma in your early relationships. As a result, you didn’t learn how to trust others fully or feel safe in close relationships. In adulthood, this often shows up as a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. You want to be close, but when it happens, it feels overwhelming or unsafe.

People with disorganized attachment often experience internal conflict—wanting emotional closeness but being afraid of it at the same time. This push-pull dynamic can make relationships feel chaotic, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.

How Disorganized Attachment Shows Up in Relationships

If you have a disorganized attachment style, here are a few signs you might recognize:

• You crave closeness, but it feels unsafe: You want to be close to your partner, but when the intimacy starts to build, you feel overwhelmed or afraid. It’s like wanting something but being scared to have it.

• You send mixed signals: One minute, you might be reaching out for affection, and the next, you’re withdrawing or acting distant. This can leave your partner feeling confused and unsure of how to support you.

• Trust is complicated: You might find it hard to trust your partner fully, even if they’ve given you no reason to doubt them. At the same time, you fear abandonment, which makes you want to hold on tighter.

• Emotional intensity: Your emotions might feel heightened—swinging between anxiety, fear, and confusion about your relationship. This can create a lot of stress and uncertainty for both you and your partner.

Sound exhausting? It is. Disorganized attachment can create a lot of emotional turmoil in relationships, leaving both partners unsure of how to navigate the ups and downs.

The Reality of Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment can feel chaotic, but the good news is that recognizing the pattern is the first step to creating healthier relationships. You’re not stuck in this cycle forever, and with some effort, you can move toward more secure, stable connections.

How to Move Toward Security

Shifting from a disorganized attachment style to a more secure one takes time, but it’s absolutely possible. Here’s how to start:

• Explore your fears: What is it about emotional closeness that feels threatening? Digging into these fears—whether in therapy or through self-reflection—can help you understand why you feel conflicted.

• Practice consistency: Try to become aware of your push-pull tendencies. When you feel the urge to withdraw, pause and ask yourself why. Challenge yourself to stay present and work through the discomfort rather than pulling away.

• Build trust slowly: Trust doesn’t happen overnight, especially when you’ve been hurt before. Start by building trust little by little, both with yourself and your partner, and recognize that trust can be nurtured over time.

• Therapy is key: Because disorganized attachment often stems from past trauma, therapy is especially helpful here. Working with a therapist allows you to process old wounds and begin creating healthier, more secure attachment patterns.

Why Disorganized Attachment Matters

Disorganized attachment can make relationships feel overwhelming, but by understanding your patterns and working through them, you can move toward more stability. It’s about finding a balance between your desire for closeness and your need for safety, allowing you to build healthier, more secure connections over time.