The Role of Unconscious Desires in Relationships: What Psychodynamic Therapy Can Reveal

Ever wonder why you do things in your relationship that don’t really make sense—like pushing your partner away when all you want is to feel closer? Or maybe you keep finding yourself attracted to the same type of person, even though it hasn’t worked out in the past. Spoiler: you’re not doing it on purpose.

Here’s the truth: a lot of what we do in relationships is driven by unconscious desires. These are the things we don’t even realize we want—or fear—but they quietly shape our behaviors, decisions, and the dynamics we create with our partners. And yep, they can make things a little complicated.

The good news? Psychodynamic couples therapy is designed to uncover those hidden desires. It’s like turning on a flashlight in the dark, helping you see what’s really driving your relationship patterns. And once you figure that out, you can start making choices that actually align with what you really want.

What Are Unconscious Desires?

Unconscious desires are the wants, needs, and fears that we’re not fully aware of but that still influence our actions. Think of them like a backseat driver—they’re not always visible, but they’re definitely steering the car. These desires are often formed in childhood and shape how we approach relationships, even if we’re not aware of them.

For example:

• You might crave closeness but push people away because deep down, you’re afraid of being abandoned. So, to protect yourself, you keep people at arm’s length.

• You might feel drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable because, unconsciously, it feels familiar—maybe it mirrors a relationship you had with a parent or caregiver.

How Unconscious Desires Show Up in Relationships

You might not realize it, but unconscious desires can show up in all kinds of ways in your relationship. Here are a few examples:

• You’re constantly seeking reassurance – If you have an unconscious desire to feel secure, you might find yourself always asking for reassurance, even when your partner hasn’t given you a reason to doubt them.

• You choose emotionally unavailable partners – If you have a pattern of falling for people who are distant or unavailable, that could be an unconscious desire at play. Sometimes, we’re drawn to what feels familiar, even if it’s not what’s best for us.

• You sabotage intimacy – You might crave a deep emotional connection but find yourself pulling away or creating conflict when things get too close. This could be driven by an unconscious fear of vulnerability.

How Psychodynamic Therapy Uncovers These Desires

Psychodynamic therapy is all about helping you bring those unconscious desires to the surface, so you can understand why you do what you do in your relationship. Here’s how it works:

1. Exploring Past Experiences – Unconscious desires often come from past experiences, especially in childhood. In therapy, you’ll explore your early relationships with caregivers and how those dynamics shaped your expectations for love and intimacy today.

2. Recognizing Patterns – Therapy helps you see the patterns in your relationships. Are you always attracted to the same type of person? Do your relationships tend to end for the same reasons? These patterns can give clues about your unconscious desires.

3. Bringing Awareness to Your Behaviors – Once you start recognizing your unconscious desires, you can bring awareness to the behaviors they create. Therapy helps you notice when you’re acting out of those hidden desires and choose a different response.

How Understanding Unconscious Desires Strengthens Your Relationship

Once you uncover your unconscious desires, it changes the way you approach your relationship. Here’s how it strengthens your bond:

• You make more conscious choices – When you understand what’s driving your behavior, you can make more conscious choices in your relationship. Instead of reacting on autopilot, you start making decisions that align with what you truly want.

• You communicate more openly – Understanding your unconscious desires helps you communicate your needs more clearly. You’re no longer just reacting to old fears or unmet needs—you’re expressing what you actually need from your partner.

• You break unhealthy patterns – When you understand why you’ve been repeating the same patterns (like choosing unavailable partners or sabotaging intimacy), you can start breaking those cycles and create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Final Thoughts: Bringing the Unconscious to Light

Unconscious desires can make relationships tricky, but they don’t have to run the show. Psychodynamic couples therapy helps you uncover what’s been hiding beneath the surface, so you can stop acting out of old patterns and start building the relationship you truly want. Once you bring those unconscious desires into the light, you’ll find that your relationship becomes more intentional, more authentic, and way more satisfying.