Loving Someone for Their Potential: Why Trying to “Fix” Your Partner Doesn’t Work
You see the potential. You know deep down that your partner could be amazing—if they’d just make a few changes, grow a little, or work on themselves more. And maybe, just maybe, you feel like it’s your job to help them get there. Sound familiar? Loving someone for their potential is a slippery slope, and while it might seem noble at first, it often leads to frustration, disappointment, and a lot of emotional exhaustion.
Here’s the hard truth: you can’t change or fix someone who doesn’t want to change. No matter how much potential you see, it’s not your responsibility to mold your partner into who you think they could be. Relationships aren’t DIY projects. They’re about loving and accepting someone as they are, not as a future version of themselves.
Why We Fall in Love with Potential
It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of who someone could be. Maybe your partner is smart, talented, or kind, but they have a few habits or behaviors that you’re convinced they can grow out of. Or maybe you’ve been telling yourself that with a little encouragement (or a lot of patience), they’ll eventually become the person you see in your mind.
• You see the best in them – You’re an optimist, and you believe in your partner’s ability to change or improve. There’s nothing wrong with believing in someone, but it becomes a problem when you base your relationship on the hope that they’ll become someone different.
• You want to help them reach their full potential – It’s natural to want to support your partner’s growth, but when your main focus is on “fixing” them, it puts pressure on both of you. Instead of accepting them as they are, you’re waiting for them to change into the person you believe they could be.
• You’re focused on the future, not the present – Loving someone for their potential often means you’re living in the future, waiting for the day when your partner finally becomes the version of themselves you’ve envisioned. The problem? The present isn’t living up to your expectations.
The Dangers of Trying to “Fix” Someone
When you’re in a relationship with someone because of their potential, it can feel like you’re constantly waiting for them to change or improve. But here’s the catch: people only change when they want to, and that kind of pressure can do more harm than good. Here’s why trying to fix your partner is a dangerous road:
• It creates frustration and resentment – When your partner doesn’t change as quickly (or at all) as you’d hoped, it can lead to frustration on your end. You might start to feel resentful that they’re not living up to your expectations, while they might feel like they’re constantly being judged or pushed to be someone they’re not.
• It puts unfair pressure on the relationship – Loving someone for their potential creates an environment where neither of you is satisfied. You’re waiting for them to become someone else, and they might feel like they’re never good enough as they are. That kind of pressure can slowly erode the relationship.
• It keeps you stuck in a cycle – If you’re constantly focused on your partner’s potential, you might find yourself stuck in a cycle of hope, disappointment, and trying again. It becomes an endless loop of waiting for change that may never come, which can leave you feeling drained and unfulfilled.
How to Break the Cycle
If you’ve found yourself in a relationship where you’re more focused on fixing your partner than accepting them, it’s time to take a step back. Here’s how to break the cycle of loving someone for their potential and start focusing on the present:
1. Accept Your Partner as They Are
This is the most important step: love your partner for who they are right now, not for who they could be. Ask yourself if you’re truly happy with the person they are today, or if you’re holding out for a future version of them. If you can’t love them as they are, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
2. Let Go of the Need to “Fix”
It’s not your job to fix anyone, and trying to do so can actually backfire. People only change when they’re ready, and pushing them to change can lead to resentment. Focus on supporting your partner’s growth without trying to control or direct it.
3. Communicate Your Needs Clearly
If there are specific behaviors or habits that are bothering you, communicate them clearly and respectfully. But keep in mind that it’s up to your partner to decide if they’re willing to work on those things. You can’t force change.
4. Focus on Your Own Growth
Instead of trying to fix your partner, focus on your own personal growth. What are your needs in the relationship? Are you settling for less than you deserve because you’re waiting for your partner to change? Take time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve in a relationship.
When Potential Isn’t Enough
Sometimes, loving someone for their potential feels like a gamble. You’re hoping that one day, things will change, and you’ll finally get the relationship you’ve been waiting for. But the reality is, potential isn’t enough to sustain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you’re constantly waiting for things to improve or for your partner to become the person you’ve envisioned, you might end up feeling more disappointed than satisfied.
Ask yourself: Is this relationship giving me what I need right now? If the answer is no, and you’re only staying because of who your partner might become, it might be time to consider whether this relationship is truly right for you.
Final Thoughts: Love the Person, Not the Potential
At the end of the day, relationships are about accepting and loving each other as you are—not as a project to be fixed. Loving someone for their potential puts unnecessary pressure on both of you and often leads to frustration and disappointment. Instead, focus on building a relationship where both partners are accepted, flaws and all. Because true love isn’t about fixing—it’s about growing together.