Do You Have a Bad “Picker”? Why We Keep Choosing the Wrong Partners (and How to Fix It)

Ever feel like your relationship history is one giant “oops”? You look back at your exes and wonder, “How did I end up with them?” over and over again. If you’ve ever joked (or not so joked) that you have a bad “picker” when it comes to choosing partners, you’re not alone. It’s a common feeling—especially after a string of relationships that left you wondering, “Is it me?”

Here’s the thing: having a “bad picker” doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes forever. It just means there are patterns worth exploring. The good news? Once you figure out why you keep choosing the wrong partners, you can start making better choices that align with what you actually want and need.

Why Does It Feel Like You Have a Bad Picker?

So, why do some people seem to end up in the same type of relationship over and over again, even when it’s not healthy? It often comes down to patterns—patterns that might be buried in your subconscious, guiding your choices without you even realizing it. Here are a few reasons why your “picker” might be leading you astray:

• You’re Attracted to Familiar Dynamics – We tend to gravitate toward what feels familiar, even if it’s not good for us. If you grew up in an environment where love felt unstable or conditional, you might unconsciously seek out partners who recreate those dynamics. It’s not that you want a chaotic relationship, but it might feel “normal” to you.

• You Ignore Red Flags – Let’s be real: we’ve all ignored red flags at some point, whether out of hope, infatuation, or just plain wishful thinking. When you’re focused on someone’s potential (or avoiding being single), it’s easy to brush off warning signs that you should be paying attention to.

• You’re Trying to “Fix” Something – If you’ve ever tried to “save” a partner or felt like it’s your job to fix them, you might be choosing people who need a lot of emotional work. Spoiler alert: this rarely ends well. A relationship shouldn’t be a fixer-upper project—it should be a partnership.

• You’re Not Clear About What You Want – Sometimes, we get into relationships because we’re more focused on being in a relationship than on whether the person is actually right for us. If you’re unclear about what you truly need in a partner, it’s easy to end up in relationships that don’t meet your needs.

How to Stop Choosing the Wrong Partners

If you feel like you’ve got a bad picker, don’t worry—you can re-calibrate it. Here’s how to break the cycle of choosing the wrong partners and start picking people who are actually good for you:

1. Look at Your Patterns

Take a step back and look at your relationship history. Are there common themes? Do you tend to choose partners who are emotionally unavailable? Do you ignore red flags in the beginning? Identifying the patterns in your past relationships is the first step toward breaking them.

2. Get Clear About Your Needs

What do you actually want in a partner? Not just the superficial stuff like being funny or attractive, but the deeper qualities that make a relationship work. Do you need emotional support, stability, or shared values? Getting clear on your needs helps you avoid settling for someone who doesn’t meet them.

3. Trust Your Gut (And Don’t Ignore Red Flags)

Red flags exist for a reason, and ignoring them usually leads to the same outcome: disappointment. If something feels off early on, trust your gut. Don’t let the excitement of a new relationship overshadow your instincts.

4. Stop Trying to “Fix” People

You’re not responsible for someone else’s growth or emotional healing. Choosing partners because you think you can help them change is a recipe for frustration. Instead, choose someone who’s already in a healthy place emotionally and is capable of being an equal partner.

5. Give Yourself Time to Heal

If you’ve had a series of unhealthy relationships, it might be time to take a break and focus on yourself. Healing from past relationships gives you clarity about what you want and what you’re no longer willing to accept. Plus, it helps you re-set your picker for the next time around.

What to Do If You Feel Stuck in the Same Patterns

If you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of choosing the wrong partners, therapy can be a game-changer. Psychodynamic therapy is great for digging into the deeper emotional patterns and attachment styles that might be driving your choices. By understanding the “why” behind your bad picker, you can start making different, healthier choices in the future.

• Explore Your Attachment Style – Your attachment style (whether anxious, avoidant, or secure) plays a huge role in how you approach relationships. If you tend to fall for emotionally unavailable partners, it might be worth exploring whether your attachment style is influencing your choices.

• Work on Building Boundaries – Setting and enforcing boundaries is key to choosing better partners. If you find yourself giving too much too soon or ignoring your own needs to keep the peace, working on boundaries can help you avoid repeating old patterns.

Re-Calibrating Your Picker: It’s Possible

If you’ve been wondering whether your picker is broken, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves in patterns of choosing the wrong partners, but the good news is that you can change it. By getting clear on your needs, trusting your instincts, and focusing on healthy, reciprocal relationships, you can start choosing partners who align with what you truly want.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Better

At the end of the day, you deserve a partner who meets your needs and supports your growth. If you feel like you’ve been stuck in a cycle of choosing the wrong people, don’t be discouraged. With a little reflection and some recalibration, you can start making better choices that lead to healthier, happier relationships. Because you deserve more than just potential—you deserve the real deal.