Competition in Relationships: Why It’s a Problem and How to Stop Keeping Score

Ah, relationships—supposed to be about love, support, and all that good stuff. But what happens when a little competition starts creeping in? Suddenly, instead of being a team, it feels like you’re playing a never-ending game of “Who Did More?” or “Who’s Right This Time?” And let’s be real—nobody wins that game.

While a little friendly competition can be fun (think game nights or working out together), when it starts to spill over into the daily dynamics of your relationship, things can get messy. If you find yourself keeping score of who’s doing more in the relationship, or who’s “winning” arguments, it’s time to talk about why competition doesn’t belong in a healthy partnership.

Why Do We Compete with Our Partners?

First things first, let’s break down why competition can sneak into relationships. Sometimes, it’s because one or both partners feel like they’re not being acknowledged or appreciated. If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I’ve done the dishes three times this week—what have you done?” then you know what I’m talking about.

Other times, competition happens when we start comparing ourselves to our partner in terms of success, contributions, or even affection. And trust me, once you start keeping score, it’s hard to stop. But here’s the problem: relationships aren’t a contest. They’re supposed to be about collaboration, not competition. So why do we end up turning everything into a battle of who’s “better”?

The Problem with Keeping Score

Let’s get one thing straight—keeping score in a relationship never leads to anything good. It might feel satisfying in the moment to mentally tally up all the ways you’re doing “more,” but over time, it creates resentment and disconnect.

When you’re constantly counting who did what, you’re not focusing on the bigger picture: you’re in this together. And when competition takes over, it becomes less about working as a team and more about who’s going to come out on top (which, by the way, doesn’t exist in relationships—there’s no “winner” here).

And let’s be real: when was the last time anyone ever “won” an argument by proving they were right? Exactly.

How Competition Hurts the Relationship

Here’s the kicker: when competition enters the mix, it takes away from the partnership aspect of your relationship. Instead of supporting each other’s growth and success, you might start to feel like you’re in a constant battle to prove your worth. That’s exhausting for everyone involved.

Competition can lead to:

• Resentment: When one partner feels like they’re doing more or not getting enough credit, it builds resentment. And once resentment takes root, it’s hard to feel connected and appreciated.

• Distance: If you’re both busy keeping score, it’s easy to become emotionally distant. Instead of seeing each other as teammates, you start viewing each other as competitors—which only creates more division.

• Less teamwork: Relationships thrive on teamwork. But when you’re in competition mode, you’re not working together—you’re working against each other. And that can make even small problems feel like major obstacles.

Shifting from Competition to Collaboration

So, how do you stop competing and start working as a team again? It starts with shifting your mindset from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.” (Remember that?) Here’s where you recognize that you’re both in this together, and the goal is to strengthen the relationship, not rack up imaginary points.

Here are a few ways to ditch the competition and get back to being a team:

• Acknowledge your partner’s contributions. Instead of focusing on what they didn’t do, start noticing and appreciating what they did do. A simple “thank you” can go a long way in making both of you feel valued.

• Focus on shared goals. Whether it’s tackling household chores, making decisions, or planning for the future, shift your focus to what you both want to achieve together. You’re in this as a team, and that means working together toward common goals, not competing to see who does more.

• Let go of the need to “win.” In relationships, there’s no prize for being right all the time. In fact, constantly trying to be the “winner” only creates more tension. Focus on finding solutions rather than winning arguments.

• Celebrate each other’s successes. Instead of feeling like your partner’s achievements somehow diminish yours, celebrate their wins! When one of you succeeds, the relationship succeeds. So cheer each other on—whether it’s at work, in hobbies, or personal growth.

The Power of Teamwork in Relationships

At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about competition—they’re about collaboration. When you stop keeping score and start working together as a team, everything feels a little lighter. You can tackle problems without turning them into power struggles, and you’ll feel more connected knowing that you’re both working toward the same goals.

So, next time you catch yourself thinking, “I’ve done more than they have,” take a step back and remind yourself: you’re not in this to compete. You’re in this to build a life together—and that’s a team effort.